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Musings

Just Like You, Goddesses Get lonely Too!

The text he has yet to read taunts me every time I open the messages app. At times like these, I wish I had several friends, or my phone was just blowing up all the time. That way, the part of my brain I use for answering texts would be too preoccupied with everyone else to realize that the one I want to respond to has yet to notice a goddess gracing his presence. Sometimes, even goddesses will feel a bit too needy. It happens!! I think.



Do You Understand?

Alexis and Joshua understood each other. It was like that from the beginning, I think. When they first met, Alexis told me that she knew what his voice sounded like before he spoke a word. Joshua said that he knew what her hands felt like in his before his fingertips ever got the chance to trace her money and love line softly. It was beyond knowing- it was fated. They were connected. Alexis would say bless you to Joshua a full minute before his lip could ever twitch.


Even now, two and a half years since they've broken up, they still seem to understand one another. During freshman year of college, we all rented a flat together. The breakup went pretty smoothly- no awkwardness, petty fighting, jealousy, none. This is where I learned to understand their understanding.


There was never any tension whenever Joshua would bring his latest fling over. However, to the untrained eye, it looks as though Alexis is pretending not to care. She quickly glances at Joshua and says hi to whoever the lady for the next month is. But I know, as Joshua knows, that in that glance is amusement. A quizzical statement lightly drizzled in pity: 'You don't think you'll find me in her, do you?' And it was genuinely quizzical- Alexis knew that Joshua was looking to fill voids that even she couldn't. That's why they broke up in the first place. They both needed to work on themselves.


Alexis was just as self-destructive. On the not- so odd chance that Josh has no current fling, she'll take a shot of tequila, which we all know makes her "totally hammered"- but only if Josh isn't dealing with anyone else. When she's 'totally hammered,' she also gets super emotional and needs Josh- and only Josh- to console her. In private. In her room. After he 'consoled' her the first time (A year and a half after they broke up), I've made it a point to leave as soon as she announces that she's 'totally hammered.'


I understand that there is no way I could ever fully understand a situation like this without ever being inside of it, so I pass no judgment.



I am Become Lover, the Destroyer of Walls.

He is here to destroy me. He is here to bulldoze through everything that I have worked for and everything that I am. And you know what? A part of me wants to let him. There's a part of me that wants him to disprove everything that I thought I knew about myself. I want him to watch me reinvent myself and everything I know about love. I want to shamelessly let myself feel and give without worry. Without fear. I don't want him to break down my walls. I want him to watch as I destroy them myself to meet him. I want to relinquish my heart to him.


Naturally

Naturally, one would assume the stance that I held in this argument was a result of some form of envy or malice. But it wasn't. It doesn't matter whether or not I liked Keon first. He was a bad person and simply did not deserve to marry Ella.

Naturally, no one would listen to what I had to say, simply because I would be the one to say it.



Khadijah and the Fly

Alonzo’s personality could be compared to that of a fly. To her, at least it seemed that he believed his sole objective on this earth was to fornicate as much as possible, harass innocent bystanders (such as herself) endlessly, and then die. Like a mosquito praying over its next flesh meal, he so desperately wanted to get under her skin. He wanted her to care, to give him an opening, and she refused to. Khadijah decided that she would be as vulnerable as she had always been, as impenetrable as she had always been. There was no point in pretending not to care by ignoring him, she thought. Especially when she really didn’t care about him. Truly. It didn't make a difference to her at least, whether he was in her life or not. She would send him back to where he came from with his tail between his legs and his head down.



Drake- Brand New

It seems that being given the label of Kaylin’s boyfriend was only a tiny victory.


In order to keep her, James would have to win the war single-handedly.


She was not a hard woman to keep happy. In fact, she was always pleased with whatever the r&b singer would give her. The only problem, James found, was that there have been so many before him that were able to get the job done. It seemed as though there wasn't anything that the young actress hadn’t been given before.


Kaylin was a hard woman to grasp the attention of, though many have tried. Gossip blogs have reported countless stories of the suitors that tried their luck at courting her over the years. They gifted cars, yachts, properties, businesses- anything imaginable plus tax. Her last boyfriend had literally given her the stars that shone outside of her penthouse in New York, a friend of James had mentioned before. The thought alone made his jaw clench and his stomach tighten.


What could he possibly do to top those levels of grandiosity? It was all he thought about. All the ways that James could impress Kaylin passed through his mind more than Kaylin herself. It consumed him.


All Kaylin saw was the growing distance between the new couple. The honeymoon stage lasted a month and a half, and now James was as stoic as a statue she’d seen in the art museum date he’d driven the pair to two weeks ago. She was reconsidering her choice to make it official, considering that is when the change started. In only seven weeks, James had gone from being the earnest man she had been charmed by to James, the latest suitor she was allowing to fill her calendar with dates. Lately, this was what date night looked like-


A text from her personal assistant notifying Kaylin that James was flying in to take her out, with a full-on dress code and itinerary. Granted, she was often impressed by his attention to detail and organization when it came to planning, but she’d be lying if she said that they didn’t feel like field trips. Kaylin would be lying if she told anyone that she didn’t hope that James would be different from anything she experienced before.


It would be a sin before God to say that she wasn’t dreading this connection being another relationship that only looked beautiful after an unnerving shuttering sound and a bright flash. Another relationship like the one she had been in before him. A past that she was so desperate to escape from. A past James was so desperate to replicate.


Kaylin was determined to see beyond stone face James. She knows he means well. During the field trip dates, there's always a moment- and honestly, just a moment- where she sees what she knows- what she hopes- is the real James. The charming, funny guy that won her over initially, not because he threw things at her, but because he cared. Really cared. She knew what she could mean to men of his stature- she’s successful and sexy. She knew that her beauty and social relevance would make perfect eye candy for men like James.


So while in the passenger seat of James' black Durango the same shade as her black silk slip dress at 6:45 pm on a warm California evening, Kaylin decides she will draw out the James that cares from wherever he's hiding from. She takes her perfectly manicured hand and moves all of her hair to her right shoulder while shifting her body left, all in what looks like one swift motion. James makes it known that he sees this by raising his right eyebrow. The sky was filled with clouds, enveloping the city in a grey ambiance that would soon be followed by a rain shower or two. She starts with a sigh.


“James, I know that we have dinner reservations but, why don't we cancel and do something more casual instead?” He doesn’t face her, but she sees both right and left brow furrow. “We don’t have to. Just a suggestion.”


James knew that wasn’t a suggestion.


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